


how would it feel (if you were here next to me)

by archivedjemily



Series: what's yours will find you [6]
Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: F/F, Lots of drama, but mostly love, emily is finally back, jj has nightmares, jj rushing across the city to emilys house in the middle of the night, post Paris, theres some angst, you get it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-01
Updated: 2020-10-01
Packaged: 2021-03-07 22:40:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,691
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26755210
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/archivedjemily/pseuds/archivedjemily
Summary: JJ has been having nightmares ever since she left Emily in Paris- now that Emily is back, they have come even more frequently. When she wakes up in the middle of the night a week after Emily's return, she knows there's only one thing that can help.
Relationships: Jennifer "JJ" Jareau/Emily Prentiss
Series: what's yours will find you [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1943773
Comments: 7
Kudos: 88





	how would it feel (if you were here next to me)

JJ’s eyes flew open, her breath coming out in ragged gasps, a slight sheen of sweat covering her whole body. Blinking away the last remnant of sleep, she sits up slowly, pushing the tangled mess of sheets off of her legs, the heels of her hands coming to press firmly over her eyes. 

She tries to piece it all together, to make sense of her racing pulse and damp cheeks. It’s blurry and far away, but the deep ache and panic that are settled and heavy on her chest are as tangible as it gets. It wasn’t the first time this had happened, some had been more vivid and harrowing than others, but all of them left her scared and grasping for a shred of reality alone in her bed. 

A few months ago Will would have been there with her, talked her down from the edge and sat up next to her until she was able to control her breathing and fall back asleep. 

Those times seemed so far away now, the events of the last few months had changed everything. He had always managed to calm her down, but she was sure that even he wouldn’t have been able to help her push away the thought of losing Emily. 

She had known, obviously, that Emily was alive and taken care of on the other side of the world- but that hadn’t stopped the nightmares from coming. Emily had been back for a week now, seven days of _ tangible _ proof that she was alive and this was all over for good, but even seeing her for most of the work day wasn’t enough to appease her lingering thoughts and anxiety about it all. 

She can remember the first one vividly- alone in a hotel room in Paris. Emily had been on the other side of a door that conjoined their two rooms, and JJ had woken with images of a dying Emily replaying in her mind. At the time, she’d quietly slipped into the brunette’s room, hoping the sight of Emily sleeping would calm the anxiety and adrenaline coursing through her. 

When she had walked in the older woman had been sitting up against the headboard, a book open in her lap, the whole room lit up dimly by the lamp on the bedside table. She had felt silly when Emily asked her if she was okay- knowing that out of the two of them she was not the one who should be breaking down. 

JJ had felt the tears start slipping down her cheeks, a mix of relief and grief and overwhelming thankfulness swirling around her mind. Emily had just thrown down the other side of the comforter for the younger woman, a small, but tender smile on her face as she let JJ curl up next to her.

JJ was still on edge, but the second Emily had started reading softly aloud from the book in her lap, the hand not holding the book falling to run through blonde hair, she finally let herself relax. 

She’d spent the next two weeks falling asleep to the sound of Emily’s voice. Some nights the words were pulled from whatever book Emily was reading, others the stories came from Emily’s childhood- spinning tales and painting pictures to JJ of what it might be like to be in a foreign city for pleasure. 

On one of their last nights there they’d pulled back the sheets and slipped into bed at the same time, gravitating towards the other instinctively. That night, Emily had started talking, like she had every night before, and it took JJ a few minutes to realize that the older woman was talking about the two of them- telling their story from the beginning. 

JJ had pulled back slightly, tilting her head just enough to make eye contact with Emily, hoping that the emotions she thought she was hearing in Emily’s voice were more than just a willful product of her imagination. 

Emily’s eyes were full of everything JJ could have ever hoped to see- a fondness that might look a whole lot like love in the right setting. It took JJ’s breath away, years worth of memories coming back to her through the lens of the information that she had maybe always known deep down. 

It all took her breath away, the sheer thought of the fact that Emily could feel an ounce of the feelings that JJ had been spending years pushing aside overwhelming her entire being. The space between them disappeared, their lips meeting in the middle on what seemed like their own accord. 

The kiss was soft and gentle- a confirmation, more than anything else, that neither of them were alone in this. Things between them had changed after that, nothing official, but JJ knew she had never felt as comforted or safe as she had that night. 

Will had taken it all in stride when she returned, not all that surprised when the JJ that came back from Paris was not the same one that he knew- or maybe she was just finally letting herself be who she had always been. Either way, the split had been amicable, and Will moved his things out the following weekend. 

The boys were with him right now, spending the week up at a cabin in the woods, enjoying that last vestiges of fall before the world around them grew too cold to enjoy, so she had the house to herself. Moving towards the bathroom, she flicks on the light, face dropping when she catches sight of her reflection, the weight of the last few months clear on her face. 

She’d woken up every night this week from a nightmare, Emily’s return seeming to trigger them worse than they had been when she was away for some reason. Maybe now, she thought, seeing Emily everyday just reminder her of how much she had to lose if something were to happen. 

They still hadn’t talked about their kiss, both of them waiting on the other to bring it up, the trauma of the last few months still the overwhelming elephant in every room and conversation they had been part of. 

JJ splashed some water on her face, taking a few deep breaths before making up her mind. She wanted to see Emily, and knew that she wouldn’t be able to get a restful night of sleep without seeing the other woman safe and alive. 

She  _ needed _ to see her. 

Her movements were chaotic as she threw on a sweatshirt and a pair of old sweatpants before slipping into a pair of shoes and heading towards the front door, grabbing her keys and shakily locking the door behind her. 

Her mind was still racing with images of Emily, bleeding out on a warehouse floor, an image that had been painted in Derek’s recollection of the incident, but in her dreams JJ was always the one to find the older agent- and was always too late. 

She was speeding, she knew it, but she couldn’t bring herself to care as she pulled up outside of Emily’s building in way less time than it should have taken her to get there. Slamming the door behind her and walking quickly towards the front door, she pulled her sweatshirt up over her mouth and nose, the wind whipping around her. 

Before she knew it she was at Emily’s front door, unmoving and wondering if she should even be here- frustrated at herself for not being able to just appreciate and enjoy the fact that Emily was _ finally back. _

The emotional side of her brain took over, her hand lifting up to gently knock at the door, sensitive to the fact that it was past midnight and there were other occupants on the floor. She could feel her heart beating as she waited, the silence of the hallway almost suffocating.

She let out a breath she didn’t know she was holding when the door in front of her swung open, Emily looking slightly alarmed but not altogether surprised that JJ was standing in front of her. Emily takes in the younger woman’s appearance, the disheveled hair and frantic eyes telling her more than she needs to know. 

“Jayje, what’s-” but she’s cut off when JJ throws herself at Emily, arms winding around her neck and pulling their bodies flush with one another.  “I needed to know you were okay,” JJ whispers into Emily’s neck, her words coming out forcefully- and Emily could tell she was trying to hold back sobs. 

Emily reached to shut the door, flipping the lock before letting herself wrap her arms around the blonde, returning the force of the hug. 

Emily can tell that JJ has no intentions of letting go, but she eases herself away just enough to walk them over to the couch. Sitting down gently, Emily pulls JJ down next to her, and isn’t surprised when JJ turns into her body, draping both of her legs across Emily’s lap and letting her head burrow into her shoulder. 

“I’m okay,” Emily repeats softly, over and over again until the sobs that finally broke free start to come less and less. They stay there in silence for a long time, past the point of what would be considered one friend comforting another, and Emily just lets her be. 

JJ looks up slowly, only now realizing the extent to which she had let herself breakdown, embarrassment flashing across her features and she untangles her legs from Emily’s lap and sits up straighter. 

“Sorry, I don’t know what got into me,” she says as she stands up, hands smoothing down the cotton fabric of her pants to keep them busy. 

Emily reaches up and grabs JJ’s wrist, not letting her walk any farther away, pulling at the blonde until she sits back down next to her.

“What’s wrong?” Emily asks simply, her eyes pleading with JJ to answer truthfully. 

JJ meets her gaze, the familiar sincerity and concern she finds there shooting a wave of something through her that was warm and comfortable. 

“I can’t stop having nightmares,” she starts, “about you.” 

Emily just nods, reaching a hand out to tangle their fingers together, squeezing gently to let JJ know to continue. 

“Which is stupid, because you’re  _ here,  _ and I knew you were alive the whole time,” she shakes her head, trying to make sense of it all. 

“Most of them are the same, you in the warehouse after Doyle, but Derek doesn’t find you and I do, but it’s too late and then-” she stops then, looking at Emily with the heaviest grief that the brunette had ever seen in her blue eyes. 

She wants to force herself to go back home, prove to herself that she can handle this on her own, but she knows she won’t sleep if she leaves. Looking down at their hands to hide the emotions in her eyes, she’s not sure what she expects out of this conversation. 

After the initial joy and elation at the fact that Emily was back, they’d started tiptoeing around each other, both unsure that the other still felt the same, neither willing to be the first to broach the subject. The stakes were high, but sitting here, next to Emily, after months of thinking she might not ever get to do this again, JJ found she couldn’t hold it back any longer. 

Something broke in JJ when their eyes met again, a broken  _ “I can’t lose you, Emily. I love you”  _ slipping out around broken breaths, the blonde looking at Emily like she’s expecting a rejection or reprimand of some sort. 

Neither come, and Emily considers her carefully for a moment before standing up, pulling at their joined hands and walking slowly through the apartment, flicking off lights as they make their way to the bedroom. 

The sheets are messy, and Emily pushes at JJ to slip in, only letting go of her hand to walk to her side of the bed- the look in Emily’s eyes more of a command than anything else, and JJ is useless to do anything else. 

Emily takes comfort in the way the bed dips when JJ gets in, having spent the last few months sleeping without the comfort of someone next to her. She’d gotten spoiled back in Paris, taken for granted the way their bodies seemed to meld perfectly together as they slept, the rest she had gotten those few weeks far too good for the circumstances that had surrounded them.

JJ rolled on her side to face Emily, and the scared look in her eyes alerted the older woman to the fact that she had left the blonde’s admission of love without a response. 

Emily had loved JJ for years, the fondness she had felt when they first met slowly morphing into a deep bond of friendship and then something else entirely. The simple presence of her love for JJ had become such a part of her, she almost forgot she’d never said the words. 

Closing the space between them Emily wraps JJ in her arms, pressing every part of herself firmly against the body in front of her, tethering them to both the moment and each other. Pushing a few strands of blonde hair behind JJ’s ear, Emily lets her hand rest on a still-damp cheek, rubbing her thumb along the smooth skin.

“I love you, too.” 

It’s simple, and the admission slips out more naturally than anything else ever had. Emily smiles, enjoying the way the words tasted on her tongue, repeating herself once more and JJ caught up to what had been said. 

“I can’t promise that either of us will always be safe, you know what our lives are like,” she whispers softly into the small space between them, JJ feeling her warm breath as she speaks. “But I can tell you that I’m here now, and I’ll try my best to be here tomorrow and the next day, if that can be enough for you.”

JJ looks at her with wide eyes, mind still stuck on the I love you that she knew had come out of Emily’s mouth, and she mulled over the words that had come after. 

Emily stopped talking, her own uncertainty still swirling around, knowing that in almost every aspect of her life before this love hadn’t been enough to keep people around on its own. 

“It’s more than enough,” JJ said after a few moments of silence, a grin sneaking onto her face. 

They moved at the same time, closing the space between them much like they had in Paris, their lips meeting in a firm kiss. Emily pulled JJ closer and rolled back slightly, bringing the younger woman with her and enjoying the feel of her body being pressed down into the mattress. JJ felt Emily nip at her lower lip with her teeth, soothing the spot with her tongue right after, and couldn’t help the noise of desperation that slipped out. 

They got lost in each other, hands mapping out skin in a way they never could before, their kisses alternating from passionate and hard to soft and tender, their contact never ceasing for more than a few moments at a time. They let themselves enjoy it, taking the time to let their kisses slow naturally, both knowing that tonight wasn’t the night for things to go any further. 

Moving off of Emily’s body, JJ settled in next to her, leaving no space between them, her arms wound tightly around the brunette’s torso, head tucked in under her chin.

There was still so much they needed to talk about, things that needed to be said and conversations that should probably happen, but neither of them could find it in themselves to care. 

For now, they had this- the safety of each other’s presence and the tangible reminder that they were alive and here, together.  _ Finally. _

They loved each other, openly, and at the same time, and they both fell into sleep full of dreams that had more hope for the future than either had experience in a long time. 

**Author's Note:**

> love ya mean it!!
> 
> hope you enjoyed!


End file.
